


Vanilla

by maddogkyouchan



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M, Minor ship: Akiteru/Saeko/Udai, Minor ship: Yamaguchi/Kageyama/Hinata, Other minor ships but they're surprises, Shiratorizawa Fanweek 2020
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-06-28
Packaged: 2021-03-04 12:08:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,781
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24969457
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/maddogkyouchan/pseuds/maddogkyouchan
Summary: “So, Vanilla-kun,” Tendou starts the next day, watching Tsukishima’s despairing expression with a sick sort of interest- or at least, that’s how Tsukishima sees it. “In need of a fake date yet?”Tsukishima pauses from where he’s making Tendou’s daily new disgusting drink. “I do not need, and do not want, your help.”
Relationships: Minor or Background Relationship(s), Tendou Satori/Tsukishima Kei
Comments: 14
Kudos: 76





	Vanilla

Tsukishima Kei would like to say that he works a simple job, one with limited stress. He would like to talk about the simplicity of memorizing how to make drinks, running the register, wiping the counters. By all means, this should be the easiest job in existence.

However, he has the misfortune of working at the coffee shop nearest the house of one Tendou Satori.

Even that would be fine if, over the past half a decade since their big game against each other, Tendou had forgotten him. After all, it was one game, and as a third year at Shiratorizawa, surely Tendou had played far more interesting and memorable people than Tsukishima. In fact, even the other members of his team should have left a significantly bigger mark on Tendou’s memory- why remember ‘Vanilla-kun’ when Hinata or Kageyama was around?

However, Tendou did remember him.

More than that, Tendou comes by every day that Tsukishima works.

Tsukishima is grateful, at least, that Tendou shows up after the morning rush, whether it’s deliberate or not. He does think it’s deliberate, though- how could Tendou hover for so long to bother him if it’s busy enough that Tsukishima has an excuse to ignore him? Instead, Tendou comes as the rush dwindles down, waiting patiently at the end of the line and bouncing up when it’s his turn.

“Vanilla-kun!” he greets him each time, despite the nametag reading ‘Tsukishima’ right in plain sight. He’s even tried wearing Yachi’s before, just to get Tendou to notice it, but no comment. He’s a stubborn man, even after all this time.

“Tendou-san,” Tsukishima greets him tiredly in return today. He doesn’t have the energy to start anything, not even the simplest reminder that he has a name that isn’t an ice cream flavor that he doesn’t even like- “What disgusting monstrosity will it be today?” Well, of course he’s able to give him a _little_ shit over his terrible drinks.

“How abooout,” he drags it out until Tsukishima musters up a glare for him. “Something vanilla, to remind me of my favorite barista.”

“How about I just put a shot of vanilla syrup in a cup?” he offers. “It’s better for you than whatever you’re about to say.”

“A large vanilla latte, with twice the vanilla-”

“That’s eight shots- no, why am I even bothering to tell you? You know. You’re a monster, that won’t even be drinkable.”

“-with twice the vanilla, an extra shot of espresso, whipped cream, and- you can put some chocolate drizzle on top, too, right?” he continues as though he wasn’t interrupted.

“Every day I pray you’ll get hit by a bus on the way here.”

Tendou pays with a wide, creepy grin, and Tsukishima makes his drink, cringing as he counts out the vanilla spurts. Even when it’s finished, the vanilla scent is so overwhelming he could be sick. He passes it over- no name written on the cup, of course, why bother when he knows he’ll only get a complaint that he didn’t write his number as well? “Thank you, Vanilla-kun,” Tendou singsongs before taking a long sip.

“Don’t thank me, I just shortened your lifespan by at least a year. Have fun with your diabetes, Tendou-san.”

“One less year of life, in exchange for a _delicious_ drink made by my favorite barista? It’s unfair in my favor, Vanilla-kun.” He winks, making Tsukishima roll his eyes.

“Get out, Tendou-san.”

He doesn’t, of course, leaning against the counter as he continues to sip his drink. Tsukishima is almost relieved when a new customer arrives. ‘Almost’ being the operative word.

“No, Tadashi,” Tsukishima cuts him off as soon as he opens his mouth. “Tobio already texted me to cut you off this morning.”

Yamaguchi groans. “Tsukki, please! I have a test today and I was up all night-”

“Which means you drank multiple cups of coffee last night. No more caffeine.” He’s annoyed to see Tendou so obviously eavesdropping on their conversation, but at least he isn’t inserting himself this time.

“Just one more! To get me through the test, so all that studying wasn’t a waste!”

“Not a chance. Maybe if you fall asleep during the test, you can retake it.” Or he won’t be allowed to, and he’ll finally learn to stop pulling all-nighters for tests that don’t make up a large portion of his grade. A young, stupid Tsukishima instilled some of the worst studying habits in his best friend, but an older and less stupid version of him is slowly working to undo them. Mostly by making Yamaguchi face consequences for his own actions. It’s a pretty hands-off method, but it works, sometimes.

Maybe not this time, though, as Yamaguchi glares at him. “I want a triple espresso.”

“No.”

“I want a triple espresso, or I’ll make your life a living hell.”

“You’ll thank me after you get some real sleep.”

“A. Living. Hell. Tsukki,” he enunciates carefully. Tsukishima doesn’t waver. Yamaguchi turns to face Tendou, and he’s instantly hit with a wave of regret. “Tendou-san, it’s good to see you again.”

Tendou looks intrigued, apparently already finding this fun despite not knowing where this is going. “Freckles-kun, you too.”

Yamaguchi doesn’t even let the dumb nickname stop him. “You know, Tsukki is going to need a fake date to his brother’s wedding-”

“Stop that,” Tsukishima cuts him off, horrified. “I already have a date-”

“-or he will when I get my boyfriend to back out of the position. It sounds like it could be right up your alley, Tendou-san, if you happen to be free next month.”

“I already gave Shouyou his payment- he knows better than to quit now!”

Yamaguchi glares at him again. “I have better ways to bribe him than meat buns.”

Tsukishima winces, knowing that all too well from when he shared an apartment with Yamaguchi and his- both surprisingly and unsurprisingly- loud boyfriends. “Why are you only mad at me? Tobio is the one who told me to cut you off.” He will absolutely throw Kageyama under the bus if it means he won’t have to find another fake date for the wedding.

“He’s in trouble too,” Yamaguchi says darkly. “But you’re the one enforcing it.” He looks back at Tendou. “Feel free to ask Tsukki for all the details, if you’re interested.”

“I _am_ ,” Tendou crows, clearly delighted at this turn of events. Tsukishima wants to make him a dozen more of his pure-vanilla drinks to shorten his life another twelve years. “Thanks for the hot tip, Freckles-kun!”

When Yamaguchi has left, Tsukishima turns to Tendou. “Don’t even think about it. I can talk my current date into staying in the position. I don’t need you to take his place, and frankly, I don’t want to hear anything you have to say on the topic. Get out of my shop.”

Later, he learns, he cannot talk Hinata into staying his date. He learns far more than that- specifically, all the sex acts that Kageyama is currently banned from that Hinata would _also_ be banned from for _much_ longer if he stayed Tsukishima’s fake date- and subsequently blocks Hinata’s number for the rest of the day.

“So, Vanilla-kun,” Tendou starts the next day, watching Tsukishima’s despairing expression with a sick sort of interest- or at least, that’s how Tsukishima sees it. “In need of a fake date yet?”

Tsukishima pauses from where he’s making Tendou’s daily new disgusting drink- this one needing chocolate, white chocolate, _and_ vanilla shots. It looks like sludge. “Tadashi will ease up before the wedding, I’m sure, and then I’ll have Shouyou back.” Though he did, in fact, fail his test due to exhaustion, and seems pretty firm on it. He has to change his mind when Tsukishima gets desperate again, right? “I do not need, and do not want, your help.”

“Are you sure? Freckles-kun seemed pretty peeved about you denying his caffeine fix- hey, how come you stood so firm about his coffee intake, anyway, when you complain about mine every day and still make it?”

“One, I don’t care if you live or die,” Tsukishima answers as he finishes Tendou’s drink. “Secondly, he’s going to die from a heart attack from a caffeine overdose. You’re going to go into a coma from the diabetes you get from your appallingly sweet drinks. That is not the same.”

“So rude… You’re the kind of guy to drink only the most bitter coffee, huh, Vanilla-kun?” Tendou challenges him. “I bet you couldn’t handle a single sip of my drinks.”

“You’re right,” he counters quickly, refusing to give in to the taunting. “I couldn’t. No human being could.” Tsukishima passes Tendou’s unlabeled drink over. “Though, to correct your misunderstanding- I do have a sweet tooth. I just also have taste buds.”

“Harsh!” Tendou sings, before taking a sip. He winces, and for a moment, Tsukishima dares to hope that he’s developed a sense of taste. “Hot, hot-” Tsukishima will never be so lucky. He does snicker at Tendou’s misfortune, though.

Tendou pops the lid and blows on it before taking his second sip, this one taken much more gracefully. How can he not even flinch at such an awful mix of flavors? Tsukishima is almost impressed- or he would be, if it wasn’t Tendou doing it.

“So,” Tendou continues. “Shouyou- that wouldn’t be Hinata Shouyou, huh? Karasuno’s short number ten that Wakatoshi-kun is obsessed with?”

“He was number five by our third year- oh, don’t tell me Ushijima-san is s _till_ talking about him? It’s been years.”

“I still talk about you,” Tendou coos. “My number eleven middle blocker, so boring but still the biggest brat I’ve ever met.”

“Feel free to talk about someone else,” Tsukishima rolls his eyes. “Yes, that Shouyou. He’s my usual date for family events.”

“Why’s that?” Tendou rests his elbows on the counter and leans in, getting in Tsukishima’s space as best he can. “Trying to steal him from Freckles-kun, maybe? Let me guess- you had some _terrible_ crush on him in high school that you could never admit because of how different you were, so when your best friend got with him, he takes pity on you-”

“Wrong on all accounts,” Tsukishima interrupts. “Some of my relatives are homophobic, so I started bringing him to events in high school when I came out, in exchange for buying him his favorite food.”

Tendou hums disbelievingly, still leaning over the counter. “And you’re still using him becaaause?”

“All of our distant relatives think we’re seriously involved, and it’s easier to continue it than come up with a reason that we’ve broken up… one that _isn’t_ that he preferred a polyamorous relationship with my best friend. That one might bring up some odd assumptions.”

Tendou bursts into laughter, rocking back on his heels. Tsukishima sighs in relief when Tendou is out of his personal bubble. “I bet it would! So what, no real boyfriends on the horizon for you, huh?”

“I’m not too concerned about it,” he says flatly. “And it’s not as though I haven’t dated anyone.”

“Ooh, but I bet they ended when you couldn’t take them to meet the family because you had a standing date with Shorty.” That one, at least, is right on the money- at least, for his last relationship. Tendou seems to just know, his grin getting wider somehow. “So… what if Freckles-kun doesn’t break? Are you going to go solo, and explain yourself to your whole family that you and Shorty broke up?”

“That won’t happen,” he says with more certainty than he feels.

“But if it does?”

“Then I fake my death and move to Brazil.”

Tendou laughs at that, too. “Oh, but Vanilla-kun… Freckles-kun suggested it himself. Wouldn’t it be right up my alley?”

“He said that because he knew you would make my life miserable about it. That doesn’t mean you’d make a good fake date, even if I could stand being around you long enough for it to work.” Tsukishima turns away to wipe up behind the counter.

“That sounds like a challenge, Vanilla-kun. You know- I’ll make you a bet.”

“No, you won’t. I won’t accept any bet.”

“I’ll make you a bet,” he continues, ignoring Tsukishima completely. “I bet that I could be the perfect fake dating for you at this wedding.”

“I’m not taking you up on that.”

“And if I’m wrong, then I’ll find a new coffee shop to grace with my presence daily.”

That gets Tsukishima to pause. Never again having to make one of Tendou’s atrocious drinks? And, as a bonus, not having to see Tendou every morning as well? “…mm. You might have to sweeten the pot a little more. After all, knowing you, you’d probably ruin my relationship with half of my family.”

“Aren’t they homophobes, anyway?”

“They _were_ homophobic,” Tsukishima corrects. “After meeting Shouyou a few times, they slowly eased up.” Hinata does seem to bring out the best side of everyone he meets. Even Tsukishima’s worst cousins haven’t brought up how ‘disgusting’ he is at family events in over a year.

Tendou sighs with no real exasperation behind it. “Then how about…” His eyes light up. “I won’t order any of my special drinks until after the wedding.”

_“Deal.”_ Tsukishima doesn’t even have to think about it.

Tendou slams his half-empty cup onto the counter. “Then I think it’s finally time, Vanilla-kun.” At Tsukishima’s confused look, he elaborates. “For you to write something on my drink, right?”

“…” Tsukishima sighs, and pulls it closer to him. “Then, will you call me by my name instead of ‘vanilla’?” He pulls a marker out of his apron to write his number.

“I guess I can do that, Kei-kun.”

Tsukishima drops the drink. Luckily, it only falls an inch to the countertop, though it still almost tips over. Tendou’s arm snaps into Tsukishima’s view, slapping the top of the drink to hold it steady. “Clumsy, clumsy, Kei-kun.”

“…jumping straight to over-familiarity, Tendou-san?”

“Well, if I’m your fake date, that means I’m your fake boyfriend, right? What kind of boyfriend would I be, just calling you Tsukishima? Especially at a wedding _full_ of Tsukishimas?”

He hates that that makes sense. “…alright, Tendou-san.” He takes the drink again and finishes writing his number. “If you send me too many annoying texts, I’ll just block your number.”

“I can’t even exploit finally getting your number a little bit?” Tendou complains as he takes it back, sipping the drink again. “After all, it took months to get it.”

“Absolutely not. Get out of my shop.”

It isn’t until he’s long gone that Tsukishima realizes that Tendou never said what he’d get if he won the bet.

…it probably isn’t a problem. Right?

Tendou, of course, has sent him over a dozen texts by the time he’s finished his shift. He leaves him on read. He then cracks five minutes later.

_To: Guess Monster_

_I’m not actually going to read anything you say if they’re just interspersed with crow gifs._

_From: Guess Monster_

_should i send crow VIDEOS instead?_

_To: Guess Monster_

_Absolutely not._

_I don’t work tomorrow. Meet me at the shop anyway._

_From: Guess Monster_

_our first date is at your job? scandalous!_

He doesn’t bother to reply to that, or to any of the many videos that Tendou sends him after that, though he watches a few. He nearly chokes on his dinner laughing as he watches a video of a crow pestering a cat.

In the morning, Tsukishima struggles to get out of bed- it’s his day off, he’s basically trained himself to sleep for twelve hours straight when he doesn’t work. He manages to get there anyway, though he’s skipped breakfast and didn’t pay much attention to what he was changing into after his shower. Tendou makes him incredibly aware, though, beaming from where he stands outside the store when he spots Tsukishima approaching him. “Cute dinosaur shirt, Kei-kun!”

Tsukishima doesn’t even bother to look down at it to check, instead just yawning. “Shut up, Tendou. I don’t have to be nice to you when I’m not working.”

“Do you really call your normal attitude ‘nice’?” he asks with some amusement, holding the door open for him.

“Do I tell you to go fuck yourself every day?” he asks in response as he walks inside.

Iwaizumi is running the counter today- Yachi probably already in the back for her much-needed post-rush break. He raises an eyebrow at Tsukishima as he walks in, but doesn’t pause from making drinks for the only person in line.

“Oh, is that Kei-kun uncensored?” Tendou asks. “Do you swear all the time off the clock?”

“No, but I think you deserve it,” Tsukishima answers as he gets in line.

“So cruel to your boyfriend, Kei-”

“You’re not my boyfriend, Tendou. You’re playing a part, and only at the wedding. Any time outside that, you’re still just my most annoying customer.”

“I have to get in the role, Kei-kun!” The person ahead of them steps aside, and Tendou goes right up to the counter. “Iwaizumi-kun!” Tendou singsongs. “Do you know what my troublesome boyfriend likes to drink?”

“Boyfriend?” Iwaizumi questions immediately, looking at Tsukishima.

Tsukishima shoots a glare at Tendou before looking back at his coworker. “He’s joking, Iwaizumi-san. It’s a long story, but he’s doing me a favor-”

“Say no more,” Iwaizumi says, starting to make Tsukishima’s usual strawberry drink. “Yamaguchi told Hitoka that he grounded you from taking Hinata to your brother’s wedding.”

“’Grounded’ isn’t the word I would use,” Tsukishima grumbles. “Anyway, he told Tendou-san, so I suppose I’m taking him instead. And he wants to be some sort of method actor.”

“I see. Just don’t bring him to my and Hitoka’s wedding.” Tsukishima snorts at that.

Tendou throws an arm over Tsukishima’s shoulders. “So what if I want to practice some method acting? It’ll just make our act all the more realistic, snugglebuns.”

“Oh, fuck no.”

“Angelface?”

“That’s worse, I think.”

“Princess?”

“I regret ever meeting you.”

“Eh, I’ll find something you like. Iwaizumi-kun, can you make me… a caramel cappuccino, with no espresso-”

Tsukishima slaps a hand over his mouth. “I thought you agreed to no ‘special drinks’,” he says, voice flat.

Tendou whines in complaint behind his hand, and he drops it. “I figured that was only when you were working!”

“That wasn’t part of the agreement.”

For the first time, Tendou looks discontent with their deal. “Fine. Iwaizumi-kun, whatever you’ve got that’s the sweetest.”

Iwaizumi snorts, but starts making him a drink, too. He passes over Tsukishima’s, and he quickly grabs it and takes a sip.

“What is that?” Tendou questions, looking at the strawberries floating through it.

“It’s mine, don’t ask questions.”

“Tsukishima has his own signature drink,” Iwaizumi adds ‘helpfully’. “Because the normal drinks on the menu don’t have enough strawberry flavoring for him.”

“And you complain about _my_ special drinks?!” Tendou gasps. “You hypocrite.”

Tsukishima sips his drink, trying to ignore him.

Tendou pays for both of their drinks- which Tsukishima doesn’t protest at all, though normally Iwaizumi would give him his for free, even on his day off- before leading him to one of the tables. Tsukishima stops him and pulls him to the one furthest in the corner instead. It’s a relief when Tendou drops the arm draped over him, and he drops into the seat furthest in the corner. Tendou starts to take the seat next to him, but Tsukishima quickly turns in his seat, draping his legs over it, and Tendou laughs before sitting across from him instead.

“Alright. So what’s the plan, boss?” Tendou asks before sipping his drink and looking displeased.

Tsukishima ignores his displeasure- he signed up for it, after all. “The plan is that you learn the bare minimum about me to get through a conversation with cousins that see me once a year at most. Then I take you to the wedding, and you get through one or two conversations without being an utter embarrassment.”

“That’s such a low bar… I really will win this bet, huh?”

“Doing the least you can do won’t make you the ‘perfect fake date’, which is what the bet hinges on,” Tsukishima counters.

Tendou leans back in his chair, his foot brushing against Tsukishima’s in the process. Tsukishima pulls both of his feet back to avoid touching him. “Then, what do _you_ think the perfect fake date is, hm? Gotta let me know where the line is, so I can leap over it.”

Tsukishima sighs, but puts some actual thought into it. “I guess… you’d have to be believable, of course. Which means people can actually believe that I would date you. That’s already pretty unlikely. Then you’d need to not embarrass me through not just the ceremony, but the reception as well. If I don’t feel like killing us both by the end of it, then you’ve managed it.”

“So Shorty hits all those points?”

“Not even a little. He’s believable, but he’s embarrassing.”

Tendou snorts. “But you wanted him to be your fake date so badly anyway? Are you sure I was off with my original guess-?”

“Yes, I’m sure,” Tsukishima snaps. “I’m not looking forward to explaining to my entire extended family that Shouyou and I ‘broke up’.” He makes air quotes to go with it. “Luckily, there hasn’t been an event in months, but still, as far as anyone other than my mother and brother know, we’ve been dating for almost five years. Hell, some of them were asking when _we’d_ get married. This is going to be a huge pain.”

“Well, that’s easy enough to explain. After all, you just have to tell them you met me and fell deeply, madly in love instantly, and how could Shorty _deny_ you your own soulmate-?” Tsukishima kicks him under the table and he yelps in exaggerated pain. “So cruel to your own soulmate!”

“Absolutely not. We’re going with something simpler.” He sips his drink as he considers. “Shouyou’s career is kicking off. We realized our future goals weren’t compatible, and broke it off without any sore feelings.”

“So dull, Vanilla-kun,” Tendou groans. “No drama? Not even a little? And that won’t even work- my career is kicking off too, you know!”

Tsukishima opens his mouth to snark back, but pauses, looking Tendou over. “…what do you do for a living, actually? You’re here every morning like clockwork, so do you work afternoon shifts somewhere…?”

“Oh, Kei-kun,” he waggles his finger. “Nope, nope! I’m no morning-afternoon-night shift worker like you! _I_ -” he rests his hand over his heart, “-am a mangaka!”

“…somehow, I feel I’m not surprised at all,” he sighs. “You’re eccentric enough.’

“Such a sweet way to put it, are you finally softening on me?” At Tsukishima’s glare, he takes it back. “Fine, fine. But my career _is_ taking off. I’ll probably be as busy as Shorty’s volleyball career when my story is serialized, except I’ll be busy year-round.”

“Less time I’ll need to deal with you,” Tsukishima murmurs. “That checks out, at least. Well… hm. No, that could work. Mangakas are notorious for taking poor care of themselves, after all, so-”

Tendou interrupts him, face almost stern. “That’s a part of the business, you know. After all, to get things out on schedule, it’s almost endless work. Most mangakas only get five hours of sleep a night, and every other minute of the day is taken up by storyboarding, writing scripts, coloring, stuff like that. I’m lucky I’m getting picked up by a company that doesn’t force weekly updates. That’s what leads to early deaths, you know.”

Tsukishima’s taken aback by the serious tone coming out of Tendou’s mouth. It seems _wrong,_ even, for Tendou to be so strict… but then again, Tsukishima was acting a bit flippantly about his chosen profession. “You’re right. My mistake.” The expression on Tendou’s face softens a little, his smile started to come back, and Tsukishima glances down at his drink instead of looking at him for any longer. “But if I were to date… someone with a strict schedule, I would make sure that he was staying healthy. That could be a good excuse.”

“A good excuse?” Tendou echoes.

“For our backstory. Specifically- you started coming to the shop and ordering your disgusting drinks, and it made me concerned about your health. So we started spending time together outside of my job, and then started dating.”

Tendou hums, thinking it over. “Still pretty dull, but it’s a start. How about we ran into each other at a bar, when we were both absolutely wasted, and you recognized me from my special, _delicious_ drinks, so we hooked up, and _then_ you started being all cutely domestic and making sure I eat healthy?”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me you could say those exact words to my great-grandmother. She’s eighty-nine, enjoys crossword puzzles, and has a weak heart.”

“…” Tendou falters. “Fine, we can be boring. Just this time, though.”

“I thought so.” He finishes his drink and sets it down on the table. “We met because of my job and because we knew each other in high school. I showed some concern for your health, spent some time with you outside of work, and we decided to start dating. The wedding is the first test of our relationship having any lasting power- which it _won’t,_ ” he quickly clarifies. “You aren’t going to become my usual fake date. This is a one-time thing.”

“You say that, but when I prove I’m the perfect fake date, you’re going to be begging me to go to every event with you,” Tendou grins.

“Not a chance,” he responds quickly. He already can’t imagine spending any more time than necessary on this one single ruse, let alone voluntarily signing up to do it multiple times. No, he’ll grovel on his hands and knees until Yamaguchi has forgiven him… after he’s gotten Tendou to lose this bet and stop frequenting the coffee shop.

He soon learns, however, that more time is necessary than he previously believed.

The Tsukishimas have a weekly dinner, so everyone can stay up to date on what’s going on in each other’s lives, and while he usually skips it, he absolutely can’t this time, since he has to explain the change in his choice in date.

The family dinner has grown exponentially, unfortunately, and so by the time it gets to him, he’s heard mind-numbing stories about Udai’s latest battle with his editor and Ryuunosuke’s troubles with the brats who tear up the ice cream shop he works at. It’s no wonder he misspeaks a little. “I’m not taking Shouyou to the wedding,” Tsukishima says between bites of dinner. “I have another date.”

A silence falls over the table, and he realizes his mistake, but before he can swallow his rice and explain himself, his mother speaks up. “You… have a date? You’re bringing a real date?”

It’s not the shock in his mother’s voice that gets to him- though that’s absolutely insulting- but the _hope_. It’s the hope that her son has finally found someone that he cares for that makes him panic- and so it’s absolutely not his fault when he answers her.

“Yes. I am.”

“Hah?!” Ryuunosuke asks, already done with being speechless. “Who the hell are you dating?”

“And why didn’t we hear about this?!” Nishinoya slams his hand down on the table. “We’re your older brothers now, we have the right to vet your dates!”

“No you do not,” Tsukishima says flatly. “And you aren’t my brother at all, Yuu.” Nishinoya gasps, offended.

“Well, _I_ am,” Ryuunosuke starts, but Tsukishima quickly cuts him off.

“Not until after Tanaka-san is married. Thus, you can’t ‘vet’ my date before the wedding.”

“You may as well start calling me Saeko-nee-san now,” Tanaka grins. “Less than a month until you can’t call me Tanaka-san anymore.”

Tsukishima sets down his fork, realizing this conversation may go on for a while. “I plan to put it off for as long as possible, thank you, Tanaka-san.”

“Don’t push him, Saeko, you know how stubborn he is,” Udai says with a grin.

Tsukishima has had more than enough time over the past few years of these weekly dinners to get used to the new additions to his family, but somehow it still surprises him that his brother is dating Ryuunosuke’s older sister _and_ the Little Giant. It was more of a surprise to find out that they decided who was getting legally married by rock-paper-scissors. If Tenma had done rock instead of scissors, he wouldn’t even have this dilemma. Either Akiteru wouldn’t be getting married, so he wouldn’t need to bring a date to show off to his relatives, or it would have been Akiteru and the Little Giant’s wedding, in which case no sex-based threats from Yamaguchi could have kept Hinata from attending.

Now, of course, he has to deal with his family dinners going from being just him, his mother, and his brother… to also including his brother’s boyfriend, fiancée, fiancée’s brother, and fiancée’s brother’s boyfriend. It’s exhausting to explain, and infinitely more so to deal with.

“No, no, you can’t distract from the subject!” Ryuunosuke yells. “Who are you taking to the wedding?!”

“I don’t think it’s any of your business,” Tsukishima says sharply.

“But… it is _ours,_ ” Akiteru interrupts with a smile. “Who are you bringing to my wedding, Kei?” Tsukishima glares at his older brother- he’s still a pain, even now that Tsukishima is all grown up.

Well. This is going to be fun to explain.

“…do you remember someone named Tendou?” he asks his former teammates. From the look on their faces, they don’t, so he sighs and says what will actually spark their memories. “Shiratorizawa’s Guess Monster.”

“…no way,” Ryuunosuke says when it sinks in. “No way! That creepy guy? The redhead? No way!” He looks like he’s about to go hunt down Tendou and challenge him to see if he’s good enough to date his future brother-in-law.

“He’s been coming by my job for a while-”

“Pestering you at work? Unforgivable!” Nishinoya hisses. He’s tempted to childishly kick him under the table for being so annoying- except, of course, that Nishinoya is right, and it _is_ unforgivable that Tendou annoys him day after day.

“If I could continue speaking,” he says through gritted teeth. They both go quiet at that, able to tell when he’s on the edge of snapping. “We’ve been seeing each other for a little bit. It’s not very serious, but Shouyou can’t make it, so Tendou-san agreed to come in his place.”

“Oh, that’s so nice,” his mother sighs with a smile. “Having a real date must be such a relief, with how you always talk about how… difficult it is to pretend you’re dating Shouyou-kun.” Tsukishima holds back a wince, thinking about how much worse it’ll be to pretend it’s Tendou he’s seeing.

“No, Tsukishima-san, you don’t get it!” Ryuunosuke practically wails. “The Guess Monster is a total weirdo! He sings about how much he wants to break people’s spirits!”

Tsukishima doesn’t hesitate this time, aiming a sharp kick under the table. When Ryuunosuke yelps in pain, Tsukishima speaks over him. “He did that in high school, and if we’re bringing up sins that old, then why don’t we talk about what a weirdo _you_ were towards Shimizu-san?”

“Point taken…” he says, pained, both physically and mentally.

“…Tendou still isn’t the most…” he struggles to find the words needed- any sort of praise for Tendou. “He isn’t the most socially acceptable. He likes teasing people more than having a real conversation, he sings as much as he speaks, and he’s incredibly annoying. But I like him.” Tsukishima takes a sip of his drink, averting his gaze from anyone at the table. He doesn’t want to get caught in a lie this early into it.

“…ugh, of course Kei would fall for someone with as bad a personality as him,” Nishinoya groans in despair. Tsukishima’s kick only barely misses him, hitting the table leg next to his foot instead, and Nishinoya throws his chair back to avoid any further kicking.

“Kei,” his mother scolds, but he’s utterly unapologetic. She shakes her head, but picks her battles. “Why don’t you bring him to dinner next week?”

“And subject him to this?” Tsukishima sweeps his arm out, gesture encompassing everyone at the table besides his mother.

“More like subject _us_ to _him,_ ” Nishinoya complains.

“Don’t try to tempt me into bringing him, it won’t work.”

“Huh? I wasn’t tempting you! I don’t want to see that guy again!”

“You’re still doing it.” It could… be a good idea, though. Regrettably. It’d be a test run of sorts- could Tendou manage to keep the illusion together for the length of one dinner, with the people most difficult to fool? If it goes too poorly, then he knows even the reward of not seeing Tendou again won’t be enough to be worth introducing him to the rest of the family, and he can go back to the ‘begging Yamaguchi for leniency’ route.

“Please ignore Yuu-kun,” his mother says. “It’d be nice to get to know him before the wedding, since that isn’t the best atmosphere for meeting new people, and it’s not as though we can’t manage one extra serving.”

After a long moment, Tsukishima sighs in resignation.

When Tendou comes up in his line the next morning, Tsukishima doesn’t give him a chance to speak first. “I’ll make you one single abomination drink if you meet my family without issue at dinner next Friday.”

“Define issue,” Tendou counters without hesitation. It’s annoying how easy he can take whatever Tsukishima throws at him. Flexible bastard.

“No fighting my brother-” he coughs before he can finish making that a plural. “Ah, no fighting anyone.” He’s a little disgusted at himself for that slip up, even if he didn’t finish it. It’s not like Akiteru would be the one to pick any fights. “Nothing that will get you banned from the wedding, and no letting on that we’re only _fake_ dating,” Tsukishima finishes.

“Huh. I thought your mother and brother knew?”

He’d hoped that Tendou wouldn’t remember him mentioning that, but of course- of _course-_ he would. “Extenuating circumstances. Anyway, do we have a deal?”

Tendou hums, hopping from foot to foot as he considers. “Two drinks. One now and one after I make your family fall in love with me,” he counteroffers.

“The second one is only if you actually succeed.”

“Obviously, Kei-kun.”

“…pick your poison.”

As he makes Tendou’s drink- with _far_ too much caramel- he calls Yachi to the front to take over the counter while he takes his own break. After all, he needs to give Tendou a rundown of what he’s going to have to prepare for, so he doesn’t fuck it all up. He makes his own special drink before joining him at one of the tables.

“Funny seeing you here, Kei-kun.”

“Shut up and listen, I only have fifteen minutes to explain before I have to get back to work.”

“Aren’t you the manager? Surely you could sneak a little extra time in-”

Tsukishima scoffs. “How often have you been coming here? Hitoka is the one in charge. She might let me get away with an extra minute or two, but I’d rather not waste time. …or leave her alone at the counter for too long.”

He gets out his phone, going through his photos. “My mother and brother,” he shows Tendou. “Our father isn’t in the picture. My mother is normal, I suppose. You’d say vanilla, but if you say that to her someone’s going to break at least one of your legs.”

“Oooh, your brother’s the testy type, too? Does it run in the family?”

“No. My brother Akiteru is a pushover. You’d need to be worried about his fiancée-” he opens a new picture, starring the Tanaka terrors and Nishinoya. “Tanaka Saeko. She could break you into pieces. Her brother Ryuunosuke could, too, and if you’ll remember-”

Tendou’s squinting at Tsukishima’s phone. “Your wing spiker, right? Angry guy. Kinda fun.”

“He is not fun. He’s a nightmare.”

“And your brother-in-law, huh? Doubly fun.”

“Not too fun for you,” Tsukishima says, trying not to get too frustrated. “Because he’s decided he wants to be the best ‘brother’, which includes such stereotypes as picking fights with his sibling’s partners. Especially since he and his boyfriend, Nishinoya Yuu, remember you… or rather, remember the Guess Monster.”

Tendou goes quiet for a moment, staring at the screen with his intense gaze, before snapping his head up to look at Tsukishima again. “So, momma Tsukishima, Tsukki Akiteru, Tanaka Saeko, wing spiker, and libero. Anybody else gonna be there?”

“…there’s one more.” He flips to a new picture. “Tanaka-san and Akiteru are getting married, but they’re also both dating-”

“Udai-sensei?!” Tendou exclaims, too loudly. He grabs Tsukishima’s phone right out of his hand. “You’re kidding me.”

“…you know the Little Giant?”

“Huh?”

Tendou seems genuine in how he doesn’t know that title, surprising Tsukishima a little. “The… Little Giant of Karasuno. The original one, before Shouyou.”

“Never heard of that, but-” he waves the phone at him. “Udai-sensei is serialized at the same company that picked me up.”

“…of course he is. Of course.” Tsukishima sighs. Isn’t it just his luck that Tendou would happen to work at the same company? Well, he doubts Tendou can be any weirder around him than Shouyou has been in the past. “Well, yes. Udai-san will be there.”

Tendou finally releases his grip on Tsukishima’s phone. “Good! That’s at least one person who’ll be on my side from the start! You’re gonna make this too easy on me, Kei-kun.”

“I’ll genuinely be impressed if you can manage it,” he says, voice flat. “Ryuunosuke is still as hotheaded as ever, despite becoming an adult, and he already dislikes you just from that one high school game. Yuu will just feed into his… excitement. Tanaka-san will only keep them in check if she doesn’t find it amusing, and Akiteru can’t put his foot down on anything, ever.”

“Put a little trust in me, Kei-kun. If I’ve gotten someone as prickly as _you_ to warm up to me, I can manage your family.”

“I have not _warmed up_ to you.”

Tendou grins, and he feels like he’s walked into a trap. A beartrap, maybe. “Haven’t you? You used to not even talk to me. Now you’re giving me first-name privileges and bringing me home to meet your family.”

“For my own purposes, not because I like your company in any way.”

“You do, though, Kei-kun. If you didn’t, you wouldn’t be spending your hard-earned work break with me, right?”

“I’m trying to pull off this damn fake dating thing,” he hisses, tense. “It’s only you because Tadashi told you and you volunteered. You’re doing this one dinner, and then the wedding, and then when it crashes and burns, you’re going to stop coming to the shop.”

Tendou stands and leans over the table, getting too far in Tsukishima’s space. He pulls back, lip curled up in disgust. “You’re going to eat those words, Kei. By the time I’ve won this bet, you’ll be _relieved_ you’re going to keep seeing me every day.”

“Not. A. Chance,” he spits out.

Tendou isn’t hurt by the denial at all, smile only getting wider- monstrous, even. “And you know, I hadn’t picked what I wanted as my prize when I prove I’m the best fake date ever, but I know now.”

The cruel certainty on Tendou’s face makes Tsukishima falter, just a bit. “And what’s that?”

“You’re going to invite me over to your place. And you’re going to make me one of my favorite drinks.”

Tsukishima recoils. “You want me to make one of your _monstrosities_ in my own apartment?!”

“It’s payment for doubting me!” Tendou plops back into his own seat. “You know, Kei-kun, you’ve been asking sooo much of me, but you’re still acting like I’ll fail miserably! Are you trying to get a test run out of me or something?”

“…that’s what the dinner is for,” he responds, though his mind is still on the thought of Tendou in his home. It’s a terrible mental image. “If you can’t manage that, then you definitely can’t handle the wedding-”

“What about you, huh?” Tendou cocks his head, almost sideways, and Tsukki rolls his eyes despite being confused and, frankly, a little creeped. “How about what you can handle? You’re so annoying, Kei-kun, are you sure you can pull off pretending to like me?”

“If I could pull off liking Shouyou-”

“Someone you’ve known for years? Yeah, that’s so difficult, Kei-kun. You really don’t think it’ll be any different with me?” Unfortunately, he makes a good point. It’s not like Tsukishima knows anything about him other than the bare minimum. The reluctant acknowledgment must be obvious on his face from how Tendou goes on. “Maybe you need to prove yourself to me.”

Tsukishima tries not to sigh. “And what exactly are you proposing?”

“A date.” Tendou smirks at his unamused expression. “One with an audience, of course, so they can judge your acting skills.”

“A… double date.”

“Well, it doesn’t have to be that _exactly._ ”

“Which means?”

“Triple date,” Tendou shoots finger guns at him. When it gets no reaction, he explains further. “Wakatoshi-kun and Eita-kun bring their partners around when we meet up every week, and I’m always the sad, sad single one. So, if you can come along, fool them and the people they’re seeing… then we know _you’re_ good enough for the scheme.”

“…you expect me to go on a triple date that includes _Ushijima_ and Semi Eita.”

“Yup yup!”

He’s never hated the man in front of him so much. Not even the time he asked for no espresso and just a mix of chocolate sauce and coconut milk in what was supposedly supposed to be a mocha latte. “If you wanted that in exchange for the dinner, then you shouldn’t have begged for that drink instead.”

“You know, Kei-kun, you shouldn’t be keeping score in a relationship. Is this how you treat all the boys?”

“Only the awful ones I don’t trust to play fair.”

Tendou taps his foot under the table. Tsukishima stays perfectly still in response. “You think a lot of cruel things about me, Kei-kun. Don’t you think that’s excessive? I’m only asking for one thing. One date, when you’re already getting two out of me!”

“With Ushijima. And Semi Eita.”

“My best friends Wakatoshi-kun and Eita-kun, yes! What’s wrong with that?”

What’s _wrong_ with that? Everything. Every single thing. The biggest thing being that there’s no way Tsukishima can pull off dating Tendou in front of his best friends, both of which, coincidentally, he has had crushes on.

Not significant ones, of course, it’s not like he knows them personally. But what gay teenaged volleyball player wouldn’t have some kind of crush on such an amazing player as Ushijima Wakatoshi? He was fifteen, transgressions like that can be overlooked. It wouldn’t even matter if it weren’t in combination with Semi Eita. Semi Eita, the musician, who Tsukishima had the most embarrassing crush on for over a year. He bought signed albums online, since he couldn’t go to fan events for fear of Semi possibly recognizing him from their high school days, and fell asleep listening to his music more than once.

It only faded when he started seeing someone, and he felt lucky it didn’t resurface after that short, ill-fated relationship was over. He doubts he can see Semi Eita in person without getting at least a little flustered, and he doesn’t want to give Tendou even the slightest piece of ammo. Especially when apparently Semi would be bringing a partner, which means he doesn’t have a chance, anyway, so why even-?

“Kei-kun,” Tendou sings. “You’re zoning out.”

Tsukishima snaps out of his thoughts. “Right. Fine.”

Tendou perks up, and he realizes he’s made a mistake. “Fine?”

“That isn’t what I-”

“Perfect, perfect- tomorrow, we’ll all go out for a late lunch. I’ll let them know!” Tendou hops out of his seat, and Tsukishima quickly stands up.

“Tendou-san, I wasn’t agreeing-” He’s already out the door. …there’s no way he doesn’t realize Tsukishima didn’t agree. He did that on purpose. Bastard.

He’s tense all through his shift the next day. Tendou doesn’t show up anywhere near his usual time, making him realize that he’s only coming at the end of his shift- probably specifically so Tsukishima won’t have the time to try to cancel it.

Tendou comes in right as Tsukishima is finishing his cleaning, and Tsukishima glares at him. “You look so mad, Kei-kun! Did you miss me?”

“Not even a little.”

“Almost ready to go?” it sounds almost innocent leaving his mouth.

Tsukishima glances at Yachi, begging her with his eyes to find an excuse to keep him longer- maybe for the entire afternoon shift, he could do it, please let him do it- but she completely misinterprets it and gives him a thumbs up. He makes a mental note to swear at her when they hang out outside of work next.

He tosses his apron in the back and goes to change out of his uniform. There was no way he could meet Ushijima and Semi Eita in coffee-stained clothes, of course, though even when he changes the scent of coffee clings to his skin. It’s an improvement, at least, and he specifically brought something nice but casual to wear to minimize judgement.

“No dinosaurs this time, Kei-kun?” Tendou questions when he comes out.

He’s too nervous to even snark at him, not that he lets any of said nervousness show on his face. “…no. No dinosaurs.”

“Aw, but that shirt was cute.” When they get outside, Tendou takes his hand. He almost jerks it back before realizing- this is the start of it, isn’t it? The date is happening from this point on, so he needs to take it seriously. …though, to take it seriously…

“…even in a real relationship, I’m not the most… tactile, Tendou. Holding hands isn’t exactly in character for me.”

Tendou raises his eyebrows as he lets go of his hand. “You’re that closed off, huh? Are you an ice queen, Vanilla-kun?” Tsukishima groans, having thought the days of that nickname were long over. “Vanilla ice cream queen,” Tendou says, grinning to himself as if it’s the cleverest thing anyone’s ever said.

“I’m not closed off.”

“You’re an iron wall, Kei-kun.”

“For fu- I’m not _closed off!_ I’m allowed to have preferences, Christ-”

Tendou pouts at him. “Kei-kun, let’s not go right to bickering like an old married couple. I want at least a few decades of romance out of you first.”

Tsukishima just groans again. “You’re talking nonsense. Can we just get this triple date over with?”

“Remember the _date_ part of triple date, Kei-kun. You’re trying to make them believe you like me, you know? How’re you going to pull off the wedding if you can’t even manage this?”

He takes a slow, deep breath to keep from bolting off into the street, where he would hopefully be hit by a car and put into a coma for just long enough to miss the wedding completely. He loathes when Tendou makes a good point, and he does so far too often. “Put your arm around me.”

“…huh?”

“Your arm, Tendou. Around my shoulders. I don’t like hand holding, but that would be fine instead.”

Tsukishima knows he’s odd for his preferences, but he doesn’t feel the need to explain himself to people- that holding hands is just uncomfortable for him, that he ends up focusing more on the sweat and how his hand feels too warm and trapped rather than any sort of softness most people associate the act. He wouldn’t explain it to Tendou if he asked, either.

But he doesn’t. Instead, a smile crosses his face and an arm settles over Tsukishima’s shoulders, pulling him close. “Why didn’t you just say that?”

“Why would I?” he counters, leaning ever so slightly into his side. It’ll sell the illusion better when the others see them together.

That becomes a problem when he actually finds the other four members of their supposed date. See, he was so caught up in the fact that Ushijima and Semi would be there that he didn’t even take the time to consider that they were bringing their own dates. Of course, even if he had thought about it, he never would have assumed that he would know them. After all, of course they would find people to date who weren’t a part of the Miyagi volleyball circuit from when they were in high school.

Except that Sawamura Daichi and Oikawa Tooru are sitting at the restaurant’s table.

Sawamura stiffens where he’s sitting next to Ushijima as he spots Tsukishima, who similarly stops in place. “Tsukishima?”

“Sawamura-san,” he says flatly.

Oikawa looks up from his phone and instantly beams. “ _Kei-chan!_ I didn’t know you were Tori’s date!”

Tsukishima’s life is a fucking nightmare. His adulthood is clearly a punishment for every time he was cruel to his friends in high school. He stares at the group blankly as he mentally repents for every time he called Kageyama ‘King’, and every time he told Ryuunosuke how stupid he is to his face, and the glorious ten minutes he convinced Hinata that birds weren’t real. He would take it all back if it meant that he wouldn’t be here, at this restaurant, with the absolute worst assortment of people possible.

Tendou’s arm over his shoulders feel like a leash as Tendou tugs him to join them at the table- of course, Tendou drops him next to Oikawa before sitting at the end himself. Tsukishima is trapped, and he starts swearing revenge internally.

“Tooru-kun, I didn’t know you knew Kei-kun too!” Tendou chats, leaning over Tsukishima to do it. He presses back against the back of the booth seat to avoid touching him. “What a coincidence!”

There’s no way this is really a coincidence. “Sawamura-san, please tell me this is some sort of elaborate joke,” Tsukishima says.

Before Sawamura even answers, he starts giving up hope. Sawamura’s expression has already taken it from him. “I wish it was, too.” Yet, the confirmation still manages to hurt more.

“Hey, what’s that supposed to mean, Dai-chan?” Oikawa pouts, leaning on _goddamn Semi Eita._ It makes a horrible sort of sense, considering it was Oikawa who first recommended Tsukishima give his music a shot. He was just bragging about his boyfriend in a roundabout way. How the hell had he never heard about this, at least through Iwaizumi? Somewhat-famous boyfriend or not, surely it couldn’t be that big of a secret when loudmouth Oikawa is involved. “I thought you were finally starting to like our little double-dates-plus-Tori.”

“Triple dates now!” Tendou crows.

“Why didn’t you tell us you were bringing Tsukishima Kei?” Ushijima asks Tendou. It almost sounds more like a command than a question, but if he recalls correctly, that’s how most of the things he says come out. He’s just too intense and serious- both traits that Tsukishima really likes in guys. He wants to jump off a bridge.

“It was a fun surprise for Daichi-kun!”

Now it’s a little clearer that Ushijima is unhappy with that answer. “Satori. You should have said so.”

Tendou huffs and puffs. “What, I can’t set up a little Karasuno reunion? And besides, what was I gonna do, pull the rug out from under Kei-kun? Tell him he couldn’t come to our lil’ meetups after I promised him? And he was so excited!”

“I can’t emphasize enough how _not_ excited I was for this in the first place,” Tsukishima interrupts, but no one seems to pay much attention to him.

“You know that Daichi is unwilling to tell his former teammates about us,” Ushijima responds, ignoring Tsukishima completely. Tsukishima raises an eyebrow at that information, though- it’s not Ushijima, professional volleyball player, who’s the reason this relationship is being kept a secret? Sawamura can’t genuinely think that the entire team would still hold a grudge against Ushijima for high school volleyball, right?

…then again, maybe they would. He guess he can’t really fault him.

“Hmmm, you know, I don’t think I did know that. I mean, you’ve only said it a dozen or two dozen times, you know, that he wants to keep you as a secret-” Tendou’s still smiling, but it’s colder now. “Gosh, Tooru-kun, do you remember Wakatoshi-kun ever suggesting that his boyfriend doesn’t want anyone to know that he loves him?”

“Tori, do _you_ remember how literally no force on this planet or any other is gonna get me to talk about Ushiwaka’s love life, right?” Oikawa says, poisonously sweet. It sounds like this is an argument they have frequently.

“Shut it down, Satori,” Semi says. “You too, Tooru, Wakatoshi. We’re not trying to scare off Tsukishima-kun, right? We can save this argument for later.”

“Oh, no, feel free to keep arguing,” Tsukishima smiles sweetly at Semi. “It’s good to see how Tendou handles confrontation. Apparently, just as poorly as when he was in high school.”

Tendou gasps in mock offense. “So hurtful, Kei-kun.”

Semi snickers, though. “Yeah, just about. He just digs in further and further when he’s annoyed. Really, Satori, you have to back out of Wakatoshi’s relationship.”

“I’ll back out when Daichi-kun-”

“Enough,” Sawamura cuts him off. “Listen- it’s… not a big deal if Tsukishima knows. Really, I just… don’t want Suga and Asahi finding out, so, Tsukishima, if you could-”

“Not tell the loudmouths?” he finishes. “Easy enough.”

Sawamura sighs in relief. “Thank you.”

Tendou still seems pouty, but more jokingly than serious now. At least, as far as Tsukishima can tell. He’s still not the best at reading him- these moments of intensity throw him off, make him unsure whether- well. He knows Tendou isn’t the same as he was in high school, but it’s hard to tell how much different he’s become when he pretends like he hasn’t aged a day. It makes Tsukishima feel off balance each time.

“So!” Oikawa interrupts Tsukishima thoughts. “How did the two of you ever get together?” He leans into Tsukishima’s side, surely just to annoy him- they’ve had this talk more than a few times at Iwaizumi and Yachi’s house parties. Mostly when Oikawa is drunk, yes, but the point remains that Oikawa is a tactile person, and he’s fully aware that Tsukishima is not. He ends up having to press into Tendou’s side to get some space between them- between a rock and a hard place.

“He stalked me at my job,” Tsukishima says flatly.

While Sawamura looks at him with the appropriate concern, Oikawa just laughs. “That desperate to bring a date to our little meetings, Tori?”

“Just taking a page out of your book, Tooru-kun!” Tendou shoots back before looking at Tsukishima. “Tooru-kun _broke backstage-_ ”

“Hey, hey, no-!”

“-to stalk my dear Eita-kun, how rude, right?”

“I was trying to pick a fight! I didn’t expect to see someone from Shiratorizawa opening for one of my favorite bands!” Oikawa loudly tries to defend himself. It starts to gain attention from nearby tables, and Semi pulls Oikawa closer.

“Relax, Tsukishima-kun knows that Satori is just kidding. No one really thinks you stalked me.”

Tsukishima smiles sweetly at Oikawa. “Actually, I think it would be perfectly in character for him.”

Oikawa squawks, betrayed and insulted. “You’re so mean, Kei-chan! Here I am, letting you know my biggest secret-!”

“I thought that was the time you got dumped for being too obsessed with volleyball? Or how you obsessed over Shimizu-san in your third year when she ignored you?”

Oikawa slaps a hand over Tsukishima’s mouth, and he snickers behind it. “Rude! I’m telling Iwa-chan to fire you!”

“Iwaizumi-san doesn’t have the power to fire me,” he reminds him after tugging his hand down.

“Yacchan, then!”

“Hitoka likes me more than you,” Tsukishima says, smiling more when Oikawa groans in defeat.

“How is Yachi-san?” Sawamura asks. “I haven’t seen her in a while…”

Tsukishima turns to face him. “Ah, she’s busy, between work and planning for the wedding. I have to keep reminding her she has over a year before it, but sometimes she acts like if she doesn’t call the florist that second it’ll ruin their lives. Iwaizumi-san tries to take some of the burden, but he’d be happy with the wedding even if the venue burned down, as long as it was after they said their vows.”

Oikawa leans into Semi with a huff. “I can’t believe Iwa-chan is marrying Yacchan… he was tragically single for so long, but now he’s getting married before me?”

“Is that a hint?” Semi asks him, voice low, and Oikawa bolts up straight, looking at him with wide eyes.

“No, no no no, I was just joking, Eita! I didn’t-”

“We, um. We can talk about it later,” Semi offers, and Oikawa goes blessedly silent. Tsukishima raises an eyebrow at Tendou- is this kind of thing normal? From the way he seems unaffected, it must not be too out of the ordinary for Semi and Oikawa to be so overt about their relationship.

On the other hand, Sawamura and Ushijima aren’t nearly as close. There’s a healthy amount of distance between them- if Tsukishima didn’t know this was supposedly a triple date, he’d never assume they were dating. As he thinks about that, Sawamura leans in, only long enough to point out something on Ushijima’s menu, before sitting up straight again.

Well, their relationship isn’t actually any of his business, and there’s an easy distraction when their server comes by to get their orders. He just gets a drink, not particularly hungry after his shift- he had a late break to eat. Tendou clicks his tongue when the server is out of sight. “Kei-kun, you’re going to waste away.”

“Like you’re one to talk, Tori,” Oikawa calls him out. “You barely ever touch your food.”

Tendou gasps in mock offense. “Wakatoshi-kun, listen to this. Here I am worrying about my cute boyfriend, and Tooru-kun is trying to-” he’s interrupted by a sharp elbow to the side. “Ow, Kei-kun!”

“Ah, sorry,” Tsukishima says, sickly sweet. “There’s not a lot of room in this booth.” He lowers his voice. “And if you call me that again, then I’ll make more by kicking you off.”

“Harsh, harsh…” Tendou tightens his hold around Tsukishima’s shoulders, just a bit. “You really should get something to eat, though-”

“Well, since you apparently don’t eat much of your own meals, why don’t I just take some of that?” he suggests, not particularly thinking it through.

He regrets it as soon as he sees Tendou beam, though. Of course that kind of cutesy act would appeal to him- well, it’ll work for their charade, but that doesn’t mean he’s particularly happy about it. Tendou has no reason to smile that much about it, either. “Aw, Kei-kun, that’s _cute_. I didn’t think you liked that sort of thing!”

“I won’t have much,” he insists quickly. “I just want to get you off my back.”

“Deal, deal- I’ll let you off the hook if you share with me.” Tendou is in a disgustingly good mood after that, holding Tsukishima close. Tsukishima stays quiet as the table descends into chatter- their normal conversations, it seems like.

Sawamura talks about the difficulty of moving, and while he doesn’t mention the circumstances in which he’s moving, from Ushijima’s comments on it, it seems like they’re moving in together. Semi mentions some trouble with his agent, which Tendou commiserates with by bringing up his own blossoming career and the editor he’s worried he won’t get along with. Oikawa adds on his own comments here and there- mostly snark whenever Ushijima says anything- but Tsukishima just observes.

He never would have expected that any of these pairs would get together. Even if he were to be told, rather than see it first-hand, he wouldn’t have believed it before now. Then again, he’d never expect to be here himself, either- well. It’s not like Tsukishima is actually here for a date. It’s just step one of their little fake dating plan. After this, he only has to survive a family dinner and the wedding. Just twice more, and then he’ll never have to see Tendou again, hopefully.

“Tsukishima,” Sawamura says, bringing him out of his thoughts. “What have you been up to lately? Just working at the coffee shop, or…?”

“Ah. Mostly. Tadashi and I are in a fight right now because I didn’t let him have more caffeine after an all-nighter, so I’m either at work or home…” he gives Tendou a sideways glance. “Or with Tendou.” Sawamura hums encouragingly, so he goes on. “My brother’s wedding is next month, so I suppose I need to get ready for that, but otherwise everything is mostly the same.”

“Oh, that’s nice. It’s to Tanaka’s sister, right?”

Tsukishima groans. “Yes. I can’t believe I’m going to be related to _Ryuunosuke._ ” Sawamura chuckles at his misfortune. “And- ah, actually, Sawamura-san, can you explain to Tendou how much danger he’s in when Ryuunosuke wants to assess him because we’re dating?”

“…good luck with that, Tendou.”

Tendou laughs, not seeming the slightest bit worried. “I’ll win ‘em over- whatever it takes to get accepted by Kei-kun’s family.”

“Actually,” Sawamura says thoughtfully. “Maybe it won’t be that bad? After all, Tanaka’s best friends are all high-energy like you, so-”

“Oh, god,” Tsukishima says, staring into space for a moment before whipping his head around to face Tendou. “You’re not allowed to befriend him.”

“First you tell me not to pick fights, now you’re saying don’t befriend him-”

“For the sake of my _sanity,_ Tendou, you’re not allowed to befriend Ryuunosuke. I will dump you. You will not be my date to Akiteru’s wedding. I will only give you plain black coffee every day.”

“You’re taking Satori to your brother’s wedding?” Semi asks. “How long have you two been dating, anyway…?”

Ah. That’s not something they discussed- which was absolutely an oversight on Tsukishima’s behalf. Before he can come up with something, Tendou’s already answering. “Only a few days! But Kei-kun _really_ needs a date for the wedding because his friend-date dropped out, so not taking me is just a hollow threat, isn’t it?”

“No one will expect me to bring someone to the wedding if my date dies from drinking poisoned coffee,” Tsukishima answers flatly. The server gives him a concerned look as he delivers everyone’s meal, but he ignores it.

“But then you’d miss it by being in _jail._ ”

“It might be worth it.”

Tendou laughs, but the way he looks at Tsukishima- it’s… fond. Like Tsukishima threatening him is just endearing- and of course he’s not serious, but Tendou makes it seem almost like a cute inside joke they have. Like it’s just a part of their relationship.

He sells it too well, and it makes Tsukishima feel a little insecure. Maybe Tendou was right about him being the weak link in their act. He’ll have to get better at it before the family dinner, but for now he just shifts ever so slightly closer and steals a bit of Tendou’s meal. That makes Tendou smile more, but this time it feels like approval, like Tsukishima’s doing something right. From the way none of the others give them a second glance, it works.

It’s quieter as they eat, less of a conversation and more just Oikawa talking about his and Semi’s vacation plans, which Tsukishima already knew about- other than the fact that Semi will be joining him, of course. He still can’t quite believe it- _Oikawa,_ who he’s had to help Iwaizumi drag out of the coffee shop because he fell asleep mid-triple espresso because even that couldn’t keep him awake after an all-nighter, ending up with Semi fucking Eita, a triple threat of gorgeous, wealthy, and talented.

Eh. He’ll get his bitterness out somehow. Probably by halving the caramel in Oikawa’s next macchiato.

Oikawa’s chattering winds down as they finish eating and the check comes. Ushijima takes it and pays for all of them without a word. Tsukishima’s… a little uncomfortable, but he only had a drink and half of Tendou’s meal anyway, so it doesn’t particularly matter to him. Oikawa doesn’t seem to care, which seems a little out of character- but then again, he probably views it as reparations or something along those lines.

When the check is settled, Sawamura is the first to stand, Ushijima standing with him. “It was good seeing you again, Tsukishima.”

“You too, Sawamura-san,” he says.

“Do you think you’ll be back next week?”

That question throws him off, and he glances at Tendou, who shrugs uselessly. “Maybe,” Tsukishima answers. “If I’m not working.”

“Don’t you usually work mornings?” Sawamura questions him. “We usually do lunch or dinner.”

“I pick up shifts sometimes-”

“I’ll tell Iwa-chan he can’t swap with you,” Oikawa cuts him off as he slides out of his seat, and Tsukishima glares at him. “No excuses, Kei-chan! See you next week!” With that, he pulls Semi out of the restaurant. Tsukishima shoves down any swears he wants to let loose and turns back to Sawamura.

“I guess I’ll be back next time.”

Sawamura smiles at him. “Good. See you then.”

Ushijima nods at him before walking out with Sawamura, a hand pressed to his back, and Tsukishima sighs when they’re out of sight, the tension leaving his body. “Help me come up with an emergency for next week.”

“An emergency?” Tendou asks, amused. “You mean you’re not going to be back next time?”

“Don’t snark at me. I promised you one of these, I didn’t expect get roped into more. Besides, you don’t really want me here as your date anyway.”

Tendou’s arm slides off his shoulders and he stands. “Don’t put words in my mouth, Kei-kun. This was fun! And you’re cute when you’re trying to look like you like me.”

“Stop calling me cute,” Tsukishima sighs again and follows him out. “That was good enough, wasn’t it?”

“Better than I thought. You were still pretty antagonistic, though- I can’t tell if you’re trying to be tsundere or _actually_ a bad guy.”

“That’s just how I am,” he hisses, crossing his arms. “I’m not sappy and I’m not going to swoon into your arms.”

Tendou shrugs. “I’m just saying, the more you put up your defenses around me, the more it seems like you don’t actually like me. That’s an important part of dating, you know.”

He gets that… but how is he supposed to seem like he’s letting down his defenses without actually doing so? It’s not like Tendou is someone he can be completely genuine with- he’s not someone he can trust enough with who he truly is. Right?

But Tendou’s proved himself more trustworthy than Tsukishima thought. He’s actually putting effort into this charade, and he’s good at smoothing over any rough patches. Tsukishima can at least do him the favor of putting equal- or more- effort into it. “I’ll… see what I can do,” he mutters. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“Oh? Are you finally starting to look forward to seeing me at the coffee shop?”

“Not even a little.”

Tsukishima isn’t, but when Tendou comes in the next day, he takes his break with him again. Then he keeps doing it- taking a seat at a corner table with him, talking with him, both to get used to him and to get Tendou up to date on everything he needs to know before meeting Tsukishima’s family. He talks about volleyball, about his friends, about how his mother’s left his old bedroom mostly untouched, so it still has all of his little dinosaur figurines up. When his shifts are over, he always finds a stream of texts, letting him know what Tendou’s been up to all day. In return, he complains about his most annoying customer of the day- sometimes it’s Tendou, but usually it isn’t. When he calls Tsukishima cute for saying Tendou ‘isn’t that bad’- honestly, what low standards- he bites back a defensive denial, trying to stifle that part of himself. If he can be just a little more honest, they’d be able to pull this off.

“Think you’re ready?” Tendou asks him the morning of, sliding the strawberry drink he bought for Tsukishima over to his side of the table.

“I should be asking you that,” he counters, picking it up and taking a sip. “I just have to make it through another dinner with my family. You’re the one who has to make a decent impression.”

“I’ve been ready,” he says with confidence. “I’m going to be the perfect date, Kei-kun. Your mother’s going to be inviting me back even after we break up.”

He rolls his eyes, more for show than anything else- Tendou’s promises to shock and amaze have grown on him a little. He still has some significant doubts, but he thinks Tendou has a fighting chance at being decent.

There’s no way he’ll really win their bet, though.

“Anyway, I can meet you here this evening,” Tsukishima moves on.

“Why don’t I just pick you up at your place?”

“You’re not welcome there.”

Tendou huffs and sips his drink, taking a moment to look at it in surprise. Tsukishima may have slipped in an extra pump or two of flavoring- nowhere near as disgusting as Tendou’s usual abominations, but still sweeter than what he’s given him since they started their arrangement. In a clever move, he doesn’t comment. “I guess you’re saving your place for when I’ve won?”

“That’s not happening,” Tsukishima answers. “So, no.”

“I don’t know… I think you’re really warming up to me.” He takes another sip.

Tsukishima sighs. “We’ll see how you do tonight. Just try not to react to Ryuunosuke’s taunting, okay? God, at least you’re from Miyagi and he can’t call you ‘city boy’…”

“I get it, I get it,” Tendou hums, tapping his foot against Tsukishima’s under the table. “No picking or accepting fights, nothing inappropriate, tell them I’m stupid in love with you-”

“I never said that,” he corrects him. “Don’t overact, Tendou.”

“Who said I’m acting?” he teases, and Tsukishima rolls his eyes. “You know, you can call me by my first name, Kei-kun.”

“Nope.” At Tendou’s raised eyebrows, he continues. “It took years for me to use Tadashi’s first name, despite us being best friends. I’d never jump straight to using your first name.”

“Even if I insisted?” Tendou asks, tapping his foot again.

He ignores it again. “Even then. At least I dropped the ‘san’, isn’t that enough?”

“No way. Can you say it once?”

“No.”

“Just one time.”

Tsukishima shakes his head.

“What if I bribe you?”

“You’ve already sold your best bribe on our bet.” He can see the gears in Tendou’s head turning as he tries to come up with something, so Tsukishima tries to cut that off at the pass. “It’s a matter of comfort, Tendou. I’m uncomfortable calling you by your first name.”

That successfully shuts him down. “Guess I can’t argue that, huh? Maybe after I’ve won the bet.”

“Still not happening.”

After his shift, Tsukishima heads home to shower and change. It’s just a family dinner, so he doesn’t need to look too fancy, but he still dresses… maybe a little nicer than normal. This is supposed to be a somewhat special occasion after all, even if it’s fake. He sends Tendou a photo, to which he gets some hearts in return- it doesn’t fill him with confidence that Tendou won’t overact. He can handle some of his touchy-feely stuff by now, but if it’s too overwhelming Tsukishima will have to shut him down, and that will be completely awkward, if not ruin the whole scheme.

They meet outside the coffee shop, as promised. Tsukishima’s almost taken aback- he cleans up nicely. Or rather, he looks exactly the same, but in less casual clothing. He hasn’t done anything different with his appearance, but somehow… it’s almost attractive.

“Good enough to meet the family?” Tendou asks when they meet up, and he’s forced to get over his surprise faster.

“It’s… fine. You look good, actually.”

Tendou grins at him. “Good. You know, after being around Eita-kun all of high school, I actually have a really good fashion sense. See, I look at what he wears- and then I wear the opposite. Bam! Good fashion.”

“Semi-san’s outfit seemed fine the other day?”

Tendou laughs as he puts an arm around him. “Only because he and Tooru-kun balance each other out. They both dress awfully, but they can tell when the other looks bad.”

“Is that why I haven’t seen Oikawa-san’s ugly plaid shorts in months? Ah, I think the world owes Semi-san a favor…” Tsukishima starts walking in the right direction, Tendou pulled along by the way he refuses to stop touching Tsukishima. He’s gotten a little used to it, honestly, though he still doesn’t like it- or at least, he doesn’t seek it out.

“Yeah, but it needs to thank Tooru-kun for getting rid of Eita-kun’s snakeskin shirt, too.”

He pictures that, and immediately winces, making Tendou laugh and take out his phone to show him that exact disaster. Tsukishima leans into him slightly to get a better view of the screen. It’s somehow even worse than he imagined, and he snorts.

They keep going through his old pictures of Semi as they walk- effectively killing whatever dregs of feelings Tsukishima may have still had for him. Tendou only puts it away when Tsukishima points out his house down the street- and worse, the two people standing in front of it.

“I can’t _believe_ it!” Nishinoya yells, loud enough for them to hear, and Tsukishima groans, leaning into Tendou again.

“Brace yourself,” he mutters before standing up straight and raising his voice in return. “Did you really think I’d lie about this, Yuu?”

“I was hoping it was a lie! You really brought the Guess Monster!”

Tsukishima shrugs Tendou’s arm off. “One moment, Tendou,” he says sweetly before stalking towards Nishinoya. Ryuunosuke jumps in front of him, arm held out defensively, though Nishinoya immediately ducks under it, unafraid of whatever Tsukishima will do to him. He only stops when he’s a few feet away. “You two are going to shut the hell up,” he says through gritted teeth. “You’re not going to call him the Guess Monster, you’re not going to start _any_ shit, and if I so much as suspect that you’re glaring at him, I’m going to destroy you both.”

Nishinoya pales, which surprises him- did it really get through to him so easily? But no, it could never be that simple. “Oh fuck. You really like him.”

Tsukishima bites back the automatic denial that tries to come out. “You think I’d bother subjecting him to this if I didn’t?” he says instead- it leaves him surprisingly easily.

Ryuunosuke turns to Nishinoya with wide eyes. “Dude, we’re going to be related to the-” at the look on Tsukishima’s face, he stutters over it. “The, uh… T… Tendou?”

“Don’t give him any ideas,” Tsukishima says flatly, before an arm links with his.

“Are we giving me ideas? What kind?” Tendou asks.

“None. No ideas. Anyway,” he brushes over it quickly. “Tendou, these are my idiot future brothers-in-law, Tanaka Ryuunosuke and Nishinoya Yuu.”

“Aw!” He immediately realizes his mistake when Ryuunosuke coos. “That’s the first time you admitted we’re-”

“I take it back,” he says childishly.

“He even said I was too!” Noya fake swoons. “You really do love us!”

Tsukishima pushes past them, leading Tendou inside despite their squawks of complaint. It’s a relief when the next obstacle is just his mother. “Oh! You really brought him!” She still seems somewhat amazed that he has an actual (as far as she knows) date.

“Of course I did,” he huffs, feeling a little insulted. “This is Tendou.”

“Nice to meet you, Tsukishima-san!” Tendou says cheerfully. He’s surprisingly capable of pulling off acting normal… or maybe Tsukishima is just too suspicious of him.

“You too- ah, would you like anything to drink? Dinner’s nearly done, so you two can go sit in the dining room for now.”

“Is tea okay?” At his mother’s nod, Tsukishima returns to leading Tendou away. Just three more people to get through…

Tanaka, Udai, and Akiteru are sitting at the table, and before Tsukishima can even start introductions, Tendou’s letting go of his arm and stepping forward. “Udai-sensei!”

Udai looks up, looking startled. “Oh! You’re… ah, we met the other day, right?”

Tendou’s absolutely beaming. For once, it doesn’t look the slightest bit creepy. “Yeah! Tendou Satori, in case you forgot-”

“You’re Kei’s boyfriend?” Akiteru says with amazement. …which is fair. Akiteru’s only met one or two of Tsukishima’s previous boyfriends, but they never had as much… personality or energy as Tendou. Then again, none of those worked out- but also Tsukishima doesn’t need to worry about _this_ working about because it’s all fake, so why did that thought even cross his mind?

“Aw, _am_ I your boyfriend?” Tendou asks, and an irritated blush crosses Tsukishima’s face.

“We’ve barely started dating,” he hisses back, just barely loud enough for the others to hear.

“Yeah, but am I your boyfriend?”

“You don’t have to _ask_ for things like that-”

“I’m just gonna take that as a yes.”

Tsukishima rolls his eyes and leads Tendou to a seat at the table. Tendou drops into one on the corner, meaning the lucky bastard only has to sit directly next to Tsukishima. It’s for the best, he knows, but it’d also be nice not to have to sit squished between him and family. When he takes his own seat, Tendou hooks his foot around Tsukishima’s. He’d pull away, but it’s at least a small distraction from the horror about to befall them.

Ryuunosuke and Nishinoya join them as soon as dinner is set out, and almost immediately Nishinoya looks over at Tendou. “So, you and Kei, huh?”

“You better not be trying anything funny with our-”

“What the fuck did I say earlier about starting fights?” he cuts off Ryuunosuke.

“Kei, language,” his mother scolds before passing a plate over. He hands it over to Tendou, paying no mind to her scolding. They’ve done this song and dance ever since the first time he accidentally swore in front of her after becoming an adult.

Ryuunosuke throws his hands up. “Okay, okay….” But he still glares at Tendou. Tsukishima would kick him if Tendou wasn’t keeping his foot in place.

“Lemme try again,” Nishinoya clears his throat. “When… did you start liking Kei?”

Tendou grins, disturbingly pleased at the opportunity to embarrass Tsukishima, and Tsukishima just lets out a groan and slides down in his seat. “The first time he told me I was going to die young from my, in his words, ‘pathetic facsimile of coffee’.”

“You dumped a _dozen_ packets of sweetener into your already sweetened drink! It was basically just soggy sugar!”

“Yeah, but then you learned to give me discounts on my extra flavoring, so it worked out.”

Tsukishima sits up straight and looks at him, wide-eyed. “Are you telling me you drank that disgusting sludge just so I would give you free syrup? You _fucker._ ”

His grin gets even more smug. “And now we’re here. Like I said, it worked out.”

He’s about to swear at him again, but the snickers around the table get him to shut up. At least Tendou’s bad personality is amusing his even-worse family. Maybe he should let them keep him, and Tsukishima can go get adopted by Kageyama’s sister instead.

Tsukishima nibbles at his food, lost in the pleasant fantasy of being part of a family that rarely talks to each other, before Akiteru interrupts his thoughts to prove how truly terrible his family is. “And what about you, Kei?”

“Hm?” he hums after swallowing.

“When did you start liking Tendou-san?”

His fork clangs against the plate when he sets it down too hard. “I’m not answering that.”

“Oh, come on!” Tanaka crows. She has the most mischievous expression, making him want to sink in his seat again. “If he answered it, you can too, can’t you?”

“Isn’t the point of this dinner for you to grill him, not me…?”

“I think we can do both,” Akiteru counters.

“Or you could just-”

Tendou leans into his field of view. It says something that Tsukishima has grown used to his invasion of space enough to not immediately shove him away. “I want to hear it too, Kei-kun. When’d you first like me?”

His throat feels oddly dry, and he clears it before mumbling. “The jury’s still out.”

“It isn’t, or you wouldn’t even have given me your number, let alone date me,” Tendou pushes. “Come on, when was it?”

Another thing he should have planned beforehand, but he stupidly thought his family would be too wary of Tendou to question him, so he’s unprepared. Tsukishima scrambles, trying to find something that’s realistic and not too out of character- “When you told me about your job.”

Tendou’s eyebrows furrow in confusion. “Huh? Why then?”

“Because you were serious about it. It was the first time you weren’t just cracking jokes and teasing- seeing you be… intense, it was different.” The words spill out so easily, it’s almost like it isn’t a lie. Well… in actuality, maybe it’s just more of an exaggeration than a lie. After all, that moment did make him take Tendou more seriously.

Tendou seems almost taken aback, flushing a bit himself before letting out a laugh. “Kei-kun, I really didn’t expect that…”

“Well, what did you think I would say? ‘Oh, it was the way you ordered a latte with _eight_ shots of vanilla’?”

“I mean, maybe! I don’t think you’re really that against my drinks, anyway. You have your own strawberry drink that you have all special, anyway-”

“If you compare my drink to your affronts to God, I swear I’m going to-”

Tendou’s blush fades as they return to bickering. It’s almost a shame, as it did look pretty good- though by all rights, it shouldn’t have. A red blush against red hair? No, it should have been ugly, probably, or at least bad enough that Tsukishima wouldn’t want to see it again-

He’s starting to wonder if something is wrong with him.

**Author's Note:**

> did not finish this in time so im just putting out this awkwardly-ended first half... but i can finish it off soon  
> happy day one of shiratorizawa fanweek: coffee shop/fake dating
> 
> find me on twitter @deltonysus


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